I suck at life. It’s true.
I suck at canning my tomatoes before they start to turn into an orange mush with swarms of fruit flies flying over them.
I suck at cleaning my house. Please don’t come over, I will hide from the doorbell in shame. Because 1: the mushy fruit fly laced tomatoes, and 2: there are piles of dishes in the sink and 3: if you walk through the kitchen at just the right speed little balls of dog hair will roll around behind you like tumbleweeds in a bad western.
I suck at my jobs. I wrote on a cake completely crooked the other day. And then I got too carried away with the vines and flowers and really just over did it. Less is more April, less is more! Then there’s my other (new) job where apparently getting a date right is something that is beyond my capabilities. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s new and is something I have never done before and is beyond my experience level, but jeepers! Getting a date right on a bulletin is not something that is rocket science, yet apparently it’s too hard for me to get right.
I suck at being a good wife. Some days I don’t want to listen and be compassionate about what’s going on in his work life. And some days I just want the dirty socks to be in the hamper and not all over the floor, but then I’m reminded that the hamper is overflowing and well the ol’laundry girl isn’t holding up to her responsibilities.
I’m a dirty rotten sinner. I swear like a trucker when I get frustrated. I have bad thoughts, I proclaim I hate you to at least someone or something each day. I get angry very easily. I don’t always give to charity. I’ve walked passed people in need and never turned my head. I’ve justified not doing something because I don’t want to. I forget that the universe doesn’t actually revolve around me. I am no candidate for heaven.
BUT (and that’s the most beautiful BUT in the history of the world) there’s something that’s so wonderful and so hopeful, in the midst of the fact that I can be a total failure.
There’s grace. And forgiveness. And someone who loves me despite all of this. There’s Jesus.
Oh how blessed I am to know Jesus! Because He forgives me when I get frustrated and stomp my feet. He loves me despite everything I have just told you about myself. He died so that I could spend eternity in heaven with Him. How awesome is He!
I am inadequate to do anything without Him. He is the one who puts air in my lungs, He is the one who provides us with those fresh eggs and buckets of fresh milk that I love so much. He is the one who is in control over everything that happens to me.
I had a moment this week where I literally said “Lord, why did you make me this way? Why can’t I do things well like other people? Why am I such a failure?” And here’s the answer: It’s not about me. Everything is for His glory. How can He be glorified through me – a screw up? By me admitting daily, hourly, even every minute that I can’t do this alone. I can’t count on myself. In one second this entire life could come falling down. In one second everything I know can be taken away. In one second everyone that I love could be snatched from this world. And there is nothing I can do about that. That terrifies me. How much of our life do we spend trying to be in control of everything? I don’t know about you, but it’s a daily struggle for me. I crave control. I want to be in control of everything so that it’s safe. So that I know what’s coming and know how to deal with it. But the stress of this wears me down. My shoulders some days literally ache because I’m trying to carry everything. I’m trying to keep everything together and working the way they should. But I am a mere speck of dust. No more capable of running my life as a mouse is capable to drive a car.
And I don’t have to be capable. Because Jesus is. I don’t have to worry because He is in control and will always provide a way. I don’t have to be perfect because He was. I am redeemed. I had a debt that I could not pay, He paid a debt He did not owe. He saved me. My name is engraved on his heart, He collects all my tears, He knows the number of hairs on my head, and nothing can snatch me from His hand.
So yes I suck at life. But Jesus doesn’t. And I’m clinging to that fact.
The same is available to you. We all mess up. We all do horrible things and make decisions that we wish we could undo. But there is nothing that He can’t fix. Nothing.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13