I promise I’m alive. Although “barely” could be an accurate description.
Maybe tired is a better word.
Let’s start again.
Hello world. I’m tired.
Tired of everything going wrong. Tired of cold weather. Tired of putting on 500 layers before going out to the barn. Tired of having to suck in my belly when I go through the farm gates (because they will hardly open due to the snow not because I’m growing…although, hello cookies). I’m tired of my buck continuously belly rolling over the fences to get to the females. He wouldn’t be able to do this if it weren’t for the 4 feet of damn snow.
I’m tired of stress. I’m tired of having to deal with everything. I’m tired.
But in the midst of all of this there’s simple joys. These are the things that get me out of bed each morning.
…well that and an army of hungry chickens. They don’t care the farmer is near collapse they want food dangit!
But I digress.
There’s joy in the fact that I finally have a 4×4. FINALLY! Runs to the feed store are sad in my little fire engine red Nissan Sentra. I load that ol’girl up and I drive home with the nose of my car high in the air. Because we’re snooty like that. Also being able to get out of my driveway for work in the morning will help my days go better. Hubby has to tow me to the highway some mornings. It’s just pathetic. And kinda redneck. But with a truck there is so much more freedom! Like not getting stuck in a puddle of slush in the busiest intersection in town, or being able to pick up hay so I don’t have to pay the ridiculously high delivery rates, or being able to pick up home reno supplies (ya’ll that was a sight!), or being able to pick up just about anything in general! A truck. A TRUCK!
There’s joy in being able to turn on my faucet and having water. Ya’ll, trust me, don’t take indoor plumbing for granted. When it’s gone life sucks.
There’s joy in my marriage. While everything literally sucks around here I am not in this alone. Lord knew I would need a partner. Someone to cry with (or on), someone to keep my vision focused, and someone to do the heavy lifting when I just.can’t.even anymore.
There’s joy in the Lord. Because He’s in control. Even when I have no water in my house, no money in my bank account, and no gas in my car. And waaay too much snow. For some reason this is how He wants me to live. And I’m going to tell you a secret. Sometimes I’m just downright furious with Him. Sometimes I think really, REALLY! Now what?! But somehow I get to the other side and believe it or not I’m still alive. Even though, when I’m in the midst of it all, I’m sure that it’s game over – that this is how I’m going to go out. Granted no one I know of has died because they couldn’t flush the toilet or mop the floor I’m totally sure that it’s still a thing. Death by no mopping. I want that on my tombstone. But God, He never lets down. And He’s big enough to take my anger. He loves me anyways. I don’t have children, so it’s a love I don’t fully understand, but I do have dogs. Hayley chewed a very nice and expensive pair of sandals the other day and I was downright furious with her, but at the end of the day I still love her to pieeeces. And I love the thought that despite the fact that I chew up some proverbial expensive sandals each day, the Good Lord still loves me.
And there’s always coffee. Nuff said.
So for now, despite being in the depths of it all, I’m tired but content. And there are worse things in the world.